5 Ways To Help A Depressed Loved One
When a person is suffering the torment of a stressful, depressive or anxious episode, it can be so hard for loved ones and friends to connect with them. For the sufferer, the torment can be exacerbated because no one understands what they?re going through.
Here?s 5 ways you can develop understanding so you can reach a loved one.
1. A common reaction to a sufferer is: ?Oh, come on, you?ll be OK, it?s all in the mind.? Although stress, depression and anxiety have their roots in thought, there are many other symptoms involved. Severe headache, back pain, muscle pain, exhaustion, palpitations, hypertension, shaking, loss of appetite, loss of sex drive and loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities to name several. There are many other symptoms and it?s also important to understand that no sufferer experiences the same symptoms. E.g. One may develop severe back pain another may develop headaches. As you can see, it is much more complicated than ?all in the mind?.
2. Another reaction is to say ?What have you got to be so worried about? Many people throughout the world have it much worse than you do and they?re happy.? Now fair enough, when you look at the plight millions of people have to endure around the world, living in squalor and poverty, then yes, they do have a terrible time. So do people who suffer severe illness and disability. But this just won?t have any bearing on how a sufferer feels at all. In my own case, when people said this to me it meant nothing because I couldn?t change their circumstances and I was struggling to solve my own problems. I couldn?t care about anyone else. This is a symptom of depression. A sufferer will turn inwards and disconnect from society. They need help to solve their problems. Pointing out that others have it worse will not help in any way.
3. Non sufferers find it very hard to accept depression, anxiety and stress as real problems. Many will say ?Oh, you?ve just got the blues. Don?t worry, they?ll soon go away.? Of course, there will be times in all of our lives when things don?t run smoothly, when things go awry, when the weather is awful, when friends let you down, when you just feel a bit sad. We call these ?the blues? and we know that the blues will eventually lift. There is a big difference between ?the blues? and stressful, depressive or anxious episodes. Sufferers firmly believe their torment will never end and they cannot see a positive outcome to any problem. Add these feelings to the physical symptoms and you can see that ?the blues? is vastly different.
4. Self-deprecation is typical of these problems. Sufferers will put themselves down at every opportunity. They?ll do it when they?re alone and they?ll do it when they?re in the company of others. E.g. ?No, you go ahead. I won?t bother because I?ll just get it wrong like everything else I do.? When you hear this, avoid the urge to challenge it or reprimand. Instead, gently and subtly remind them of a time when something went well. Just say ?Hey, do you remember that time when you?? Challenging or reprimanding will only arouse resentment and they?ll just think you?re against them. This is a very subtle way of reminding the sufferer of a more positive event.
5. Frustration is also common amongst people who cannot understand what their loved one is going through. And it can soon give way to anger and resentment as patience wears thin. Criticism begins. ?You?ve always been negative. The glass is always half empty with you. All you?ve ever done is look on the downside. You want to stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull yourself together.? Whilst I can understand the frustration, this kind of approach will only have 2 outcomes: Your loved one will resent you so much they will start avoiding you and their torment will deepen. As frustrating as it is, please resist this. Give them space. Reassure them you?re there for them no matter what. If your frustration is getting the better of you, take a time out to gather your thoughts by going for a walk. Yes it?s hard but the alternative is to make things harder.
I know it?s so difficult to reach loved ones and I know it?s so hard to understand what?s happening. This article will help you and your loved one to deal more effectively with the torment.
Until next time.
Chris Green is the author of ?Conquering Stress?, a special program which will show you how to conquer stress, depression and anxiety without taking powerful drugs. For more information click here => http://www.conqueringstress.com
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I receive many emails from concerned relatives, partners and friends who are trying to help a loved one suffering the torment of a stressful or depressive episode. Sometimes, it’s easy to forget that people who love us are also affected by these illnesses and may find it difficult to understand what’s happening. They want to help, but just don’t know what to do for the best.
Having lived with a depressed partner for 3 years and suffered anxiety and depression for 5 years, I’ve experienced both sides. In this article, I’ll show you exactly what you can do - and, what you shouldn’t do - to help your loved one.
1. Please, however frustrated you feel, please never say to a depressed or stressed person: “Come on, snap out of it. What have you got to be worried or sad about anyway. People have it much worse than you.” Please understand that these illnesses cannot be “snapped out of.” You wouldn’t say this to someone with high blood pressure or pneumonia because you know it isn’t that simple. Stress, depression and anxiety are real illnesses that have specific causes. Asking someone to snap out of it makes that person feel inadequate or that they’re doing something wrong. Absolutely not so. Comparing their circumstances to people who are suffering greater hardship is no use either. I couldn’t have given two hoots about other people when I was ill because their circumstances meant nothing to me. I was struggling to solve my own problems and couldn’t see anything else. Knowing that others are starving, are terminally ill, or suffer in squalor didn’t matter a jot because they didn’t make my problems go away. One more thing about such statements: they confront the sufferer with their illness and they put
pressure on them. This will cause sufferers to retreat further and further into their own world. Better is to offer love and support: “I’m always here if you need me or want to talk.” And 3 little words can mean so much: “I love you.” I didn’t hear them for 3 years and believe me, I
missed them so very much.
2. As a loved one, it is totally natural to want to understand what is happening. Many loved ones conduct research into these illnesses to develop understanding. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever. However, a problem can arise if you start to impose your knowledge on the sufferer.
This happens when you observe certain behaviors and habits performed by sufferers and comment on why they are behaving in such a way. For example, you hear a sufferer put themselves down, so you say “That’s a part of your illness. I’ve been reading about it and self-deprecation is one of the reasons why people become depressed. You need to stop putting yourself down.” Again, this is confrontational and puts the sufferer under pressure. All they’ll do is dismiss your comments and clam up whenever you’re around as they’ll feel they’re being scrutinised. A better way is to challenge them very gently by reminding them of a time when they did something good. For example, you hear a sufferer say: “I’m useless, I never get anything right.” You can say “Sure you do, hey, remember the time when you…”. Do you see the difference in approach? The first is more like a doctor
assessing a patient, the second is just a normal, natural conversation and doesn’t mention stress, depression or anxiety. This is very, very helpful as it shifts focus from a bad event: “I’m useless…” to a good one: “remember when..” without exerting pressure.
3. Finally, you may find a resource - a book, a video, a supplement etc. - that you think will help someone to beat their illness. Perfectly natural. But there’s a problem. It confronts the sufferer with their illness and puts them under pressure to do something about it. The result of this will be resentment followed by retreat into their own world. Isolation is a part of these illnesses. Sometimes, you just can’t bear to be around people. My ex-partner used to sleep
in a dark room for an entire weekend because she just couldn’t handle anyone being around her. “I bore people, I’ve nothing to say of interest and I don’t want anyone asking me how I’m feeling. I just want to be on my own.” I know, it cuts you to ribbons when you hear such words from someone you care deeply about. But please, you must resist the urge to DIRECTLY give them a resource you think will help them. For someone to emerge from these illnesses, they have to make the decision themselves. A direct offer will more often than not be refused. So, if you find something you think will help, leave it lying around somewhere your loved one will find it. The idea here is for them to CHOOSE by themselves to investigate further. Such an INDIRECT approach is more effective because once again, there is no pressure, no reminder, no confrontation. It is the sufferer who takes a willing first step towards recovery.
It is so hard to understand and reach loved ones when they’re caught up in these illnesses but please believe me, these ideas are very effective and they will help.
Until next time.
About the Author
Looking to beat stress, anxiety or depression QUICKLY? “Conquering Stress” reveals the powerful, effective secrets so you can beat these illnesses once and for all DRUG FREE! Click Here ==>http://www.conqueringstress.com
